Going missing was the only way of taking back control.

I’ve been missing more times than I can count. It started with when I was with my adopted parents. They used to hit me and emotionally abused me.

One day I had enough. I was 9. I ran away but was collected by the police not 5 hours later.

In lockdown, things got really bad. I had no friends because my parents never let me out. It felt like I was going to be alone for ever. I got in an argument with my parents and they were chasing me. I knew if they caught me I would be hit again, and I was sick of being hit. I rammed myself in my room and packed a bag. That day, I jumped out my window. I wandered around for hours until late at night before I realised I had no where to go. I had no phone, no friends, family anything. In the end I snuck back into my house and no one even noticed I was gone.

For years after, I would not come back after school. I would be hit if I did for misbehaving in some made up way or other, and sometimes they would lock me out. I have spent a few nights sleeping at Heathrow Airport because I knew it would be warm. Other times, I would sleep on my doorstep and pray for the morning to come. I was lucky that I met a friend who told me that it wasn’t the norm and that I didn’t have to live there. So I went into foster care. I loved my new life, but naturally, I was vulnerable.

This older boy had roped me into selling drugs for him all over London. He wanted me to go to some place in the country and promised me that I would make £1000 in one week. I was so tempted.

Thankfully by this point I had friends and they convinced me that it wasn’t safe. I still went missing many times. Mostly it was for the freedom. My whole life I felt controlled by adults, and going missing was the only way of taking back control. I went missing regularly because I just didn’t want to tell people where I was. Because it was my business.

Where I am now

I am now 20 years old. Looking back, I understand that whilst all those adults were doing a terrible job at it, they just wanted to make sure I was safe. It was never about controlling me. It was about ensuring my safety.

If you are in a place where you don’t feel safe, then SafeCall ensures that you’ll be connected to adults that really care. Because when you go missing, you might feel like you are taking back control but you are putting yourself at great risk from people who want to exploit your vulnerabilities.

Speak to someone. Get the support. It’ll be worth it.